5-19-2011 National:
From The Ethicist, ARIEL KAMINER:
My husband is a registered sex offender. His sex crime was more than two decades ago and involved an adult woman. He is not a pedophile, and he is not on parole or probation. When people find out, however, we are often harshly condemned. If our children have play dates in our home, I believe we should tell the parents about my husband’s past. I feel that they should learn from us, and not from the Internet or gossipy neighbors. He disagrees. NAME WITHHELD, OHIOOn first read I thought you were arguing for your obligation to disclose, as a way to protect innocent children. But you’re arguing for your right to disclose, as a way to protect your husband. In a sense, you are proposing to ruin his reputation in order to save his reputation, an unusual approach.
What’s troubling, from an ethical standpoint, is the extent to which you have set these two goals — protecting children and protecting your husband — against each other.
Saving your husband’s reputation is a legitimate concern; he committed a terrible act, but he satisfied his debt to society. According to our legal system, he is allowed to re-enter society without ringing a bell to warn of his advance.
Given that his crime did not endanger children, I wonder why you propose to mount his defense from the beachhead of your own children’s play dates.
I wonder this in particular because as vulnerable as your husband, or by extension you, might feel to the punishing effects of gossip, surely your children are more vulnerable. They stand to suffer all the social and economic effects of his ostracism, but to do so while still learning how to make their way in the world. And unlike your husband, who committed the crime, or you, who stood by him, they had no role in creating the situation in which they now find themselves. For that reason, let your decision be guided by what’s best for them, not for him.
That’s the ethical issue. Beyond that, it’s just tactics. It’s impossible to predict whether the parents of your children’s friends will react better to the news if it is delivered personally or discovered accidentally. You may persuade your husband that disclosure is in his interest, but if so, proceed carefully. Once that news gets out, there’s no retracting it, and there’s no removing its effect from your children’s reputation.
5 comments:
My son was the victim of a false accusation. As much as I would like to publicly advocate for victims of false accusations, and educate the public about the ruin and corruption of our court system in false accusation cases, my son has asked for his privacy-and the privacy of his false accuser( a mentally ill family member)- to be respected. He has asked me to keep silent -"If I can bear it, so can you".
Much as I know what this woman is saying - she needs to respect her huband's wishes. It's HIS story to tell. Not her's.
My take on this woman's letter was this: She has accepted the fact that he has to be on the registry but not the fact that it is public.
She has accepted one of the elements of the punishment--the registry--but not the--public humiliation--aspect of it.
I totally get what she's doing. It's not that she really thinks her husband is a danger or she has to protect the children,(did she say her husband apposed her approach?) (maybe I missed that)she's trying to avoid a community backlash that could spread like wildfire catching her offhand and destroying her life.
It's grasping at a sense of control. How Sad That As Americans we are sitting back as our rights are being stripped from us.
The registries were initially
developed to publicly identify persons convicted of sex crimes against minors.This was done largely in response to tragic crimes committed by murderes and pedophiles.This article points out what state and national registries have evolved to.The ramifications of these laws are very far reaching
and although no legal professionals have yet to successfully argue. The fact remains that the cumulative effect of the registry laws are certainly PUNITIVE and will be called into serious question as the evolution
of these effects continues.Anyone affected by a public registry should educate themselves on this ever evolving social dilema.
I feel that they should learn from us, and not from the Internet or gossipy neighbors. ***He disagrees.**** NAME WITHHELD, OHIO
HE DISAGREES says to me he wants his wife to keep it to herself.
when the truth gets out that the registry is actually causing more harm than good, they will come down. but not until millions of lives have been destroyed in the meantime.
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