UT- Help teen realize ramifications of 'sexting'

Question: Dear Dr. Scott, I recently got the shock of my ... life. I found out that my teenage daughter has been "sexting" her friends. We took her phone and internet privileges away, and explained to her how dangerous/ dumb/stupid it was of her to do that.

She doesn't realize the seriousness of this and acts as if we are over reacting. I don't think we are getting through.

She's basically a good kid, but this has been the most difficult time in our parent/child relationship. Worse yet, my spouse and I don't agree on the best approach. How can I help my teen realize how serious this is? When should I give her phone back? Would you let her come live with you?

Sincerely, Shocked ****less

Answer: Thanks for writing in. As much as I like kids, she can't come live with me.

However, if she gets any more out-of control, I have some great residential programs I can recommend to you. Maybe having a talk with her about that option would help.

(eAdvocate Post)
As society becomes increasingly permissive and personal accountability erodes, unhealthy behavior such as "sexting" is becoming more and more common. Some factors that contribute to such delinquency include an increased tolerance and even encouragement of sexual behaviors at younger ages, the sexualization of children, and the supposed anonymity provided by today's technology.

According to a nationwide survey by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 20 percent of teens admit to participating in "sexting."

Browse MySpace and you'll quickly learn that to compete for attention as a young female, all you need to do is objectify yourself.

One of the cheapest, easiest ways for a young girl to get noticed is to behave sexually. Girls who do it get the instant gratification that sexual attention provides. Girls who hold themselves to a higher standard are sometimes left out.

So, girls kiss girls, they sext their boyfriends or strangers, they push their boobs into webcams, etc., ... all in order to win the attention of some high school jerk or, worse yet, some weirdo 40-something sexual predator on the other side of the Internet or phone line.

It's an epidemic of poor self-esteem; of girls selling out for attention, of young teens degrading themselves to the level of the lowest common denominator to compete for approval. Oh, and lest you think I'm letting the boys off the hook here, let me say that the epidemic of poor self-esteem goes hand in hand with an equally damaging epidemic of chronic disrespect for female teens by their male peers. Shame on those boys.

You might point out to your daughter some of the real-life consequences that teens are facing as a result of this self-indulgent, pathetic practice of visual prostitution. In the news in recent months, you'll see stories of sexting that include teens being prosecuted for possession of child pornography, girls whose reputations and social lives were ruined as a result of their nude pictures going public, and the shameful regret that many teens feel once they face the real embarrassment of what they've done in a stupid moment of impulsiveness.

Let her know that sexually objectifying someone like this can lead anywhere from simple mockery all the way up to rape. If she doesn't respect her body, who will?

I must tell you, however, that I am not confident you will be able to help her realize the seriousness of what she's doing. The seriousness is obvious to any rational thinker. However, teens are not rational thinkers.

You'll sooner teach your dog to translate hieroglyphics than successfully reason with certain teenagers. (My apologies to all you reasonable and mature teens. I know you're out there too.)

Instead, you need to appeal to her sense of dignity. Help her realize that she doesn't value herself.

She probably thinks she does, but with some persistence and empathy, you might be able to help her realize that she is desperate. Desperation is not attractive.

People that crave attention wear other people out. She'll be used sexually and then discarded. Ask her to consider which reputation she'd rather have; desperate girl or slut. At this rate, she'll likely get one if not both of those.

You have to be blunt if you have any chance of getting through.

Two more things: One, get your spouse on the same page. A united front is always critical in effective parenting.

Two, hold on to that phone long enough to make it hurt. I'd say at least a couple months if not a semester should pass before I'd even consider giving it back, and then only if her behavior has been excellent.

It's her job to convince you that she's trustworthy and responsible enough to have the phone. If you're not convinced, then she doesn't get the phone. If she does it again after she gets the phone back, the phone's gone for good. Keep an eye on her Internet use, and get to know her friends.

By the way, good job on your firm and swift response in the first place. Consistent structure like that is the sort of parenting that could put me out of business.

Take care, Dr. Scott.

Send questions to ask_drscott@hotmail.com. Dr. Scott is Dr. Scott Jakubowski, Ph.D., LMFT, owner/operator of Horizons Therapeutic Services. Call 867-8453 for an appointment. ..News Source.. by SCOTT JAKUBOWSKI • Ask Dr. Scott